Routine?

It's been nearly 4 months since Sully was born. I've had four months to "settle in." Yet, I still don't feel like we've hit a routine. I'm not sure if that's due to the busy Summer months or maybe just the fact that we have a baby. When does it kick in? At some point I feel like we should get to the point of following nightly routines and schedules - normalcy, but nearly every night I feel overwhelmed. Like this has all just happened. It's a strange feeling. It's somewhat like being on this roller coaster or Speed-like bus that hasn't slowed down enough for me to jump off!

Updates:
* I'm still producing a little milk, which makes for fun shirt fronts if I forget to wear the little protective pads.
* Sully is now sometimes eating 7 and 8 ounces at a time. It's clear that he's going to eat us out of house and home.
* My hair is still coming out, a little less now. Enough to make quite a hairball, though, each time I shower.
* We recently had family portraits taken. I seriously have the most gorgeous children known to man.
* After seeing my co-worker's 3-week old baby, I now have newborn fever. I know, I know... I have a baby! He's so tiny though! No, Casey! This is it!

Post-partum suckiness

My hair is falling out. Not just a few strands, but entire clumps. Every morning I pull a small rodent-sized mass out of the drain. That’s just one of the many fun things that have happened to my body post-pregnancy. (And post-pumping)

• Hair loss
• Ginormous breasts (Insert smart-ass comment by Ben)
• Leaky breasts
• Weight gain
• That nice weight loss that I experienced after birth and next two months has gone away. L Super hungry and still eating the same amount as when I was pumping. Ugh.
• Attack of the hormones!
• Happy? Yes! Crying? Yes! Pissed? Yes! All at once!
• Extreme fatigue
• Lugging around the baby, getting up at night/early morning, hormones etc.
• Night sweats

Gotta love all of these changes!

Facing the inevitable

Well, the day has come. The lake has dried up. The cups aren’t runneth over. I have run out of steam. Idioms and cliches aside, the breast milk has come and gone. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I didn’t last this long with Scarlett and my supply has never been strong.

I’ve known that I was getting close to the end for about two weeks. No matter how much water I drink or how regularly I pump, my production was taking a nose-dive. The last few days I only pumped about one ounce per day, which we all know, won’t feed my little piggy!

So… I’m done.

On one hand, I’m sad to be done so soon. I liked the idea of giving Sullivan a little of my milk every day. It made me feel a little closer to him – a little more bonded. I also liked the thought that the little bit of milk that I produced gave us a little bit of savings in the formula department. Formula is insanely expensive and we don’t have the hookup to cheap formula that we did with Scarlett. Things are tight around our house with two daycare payments and all of the formula to buy!

On the other hand, I’m experiencing a new freedom that I haven’t known with Sully. I’m not tied down to anything or any time, which is really nice. I don’t have to shut myself into an empty office at work and spend three 15-20 minute stretches shirking my work responsibilities. I don’t have to worry about the effects of anything that I eat or drink, which means… BRING ON THE MARGARITAS!

So on this day, my first day of not pumping, I both mourn and celebrate. I did what I could for Sullivan and I feel good about it. I may regret this decision once I start to get engorged and sore!

The Michelin Man

Continuing to grow - both up and out! Our sweet little baby is sleeping well (from about 9 to 4:30 a.m.), eating well and delighting us with smiles and giggles! Scarlett never ceases to amaze me with her patience and pleasure with Sully. We are truly blessed.

Survivor’s Guilt

In the last few weeks, I’ve been trying to put into words the complex range of emotions that I’ve been feeling. I’m not entirely sure that I’ll be successful doing so. However, I’ve always found writing to be cathartic, so I hope to just get it out of my head onto paper (or into the blogosphere, as it were).

On March 19^th, I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy. Sully really has been a pure joy in every way. He tops the growth charts at the 97^th percentile because of his healthy eating habit and already seems to be on his way to sleeping through the night, maybe also due to the large appetite. We were extremely lucky with both of our children, as they have so far remained healthy and happy. “So what’s the problem,” you ask?

A few of our friends and family have been plagued with misfortune when it comes to young ones. In one instance, a sweet little baby boy passed away after only 10 weeks and a grim prognosis. In another, a little girl passed away after a couple of years and a late diagnosis. Most recently, there’s a little one-year-old baby boy fighting to gain weight, losing his energy and burning with fevers every day. I know that the families don’t see it as misfortune; they’ve each been blessed to know their child as long as they have and are sure that the passing (or in the last case – illness) was part of a larger plan.

I can’t read about these situations or view any of the pictures of these precious little ones without extreme sadness and extreme guilt. I feel guilty celebrating my son’s healthy, flaunting it almost, while so many have had such heartache. On the other hand, it’s certainly not fair to Sully or to Scarlett to underplay their achievements and successes. I can’t find a balance between being elated that nothing awful has happened to my children or guilty that they are healthy and that I feel happy about it.

Right now, the best I can do is hope for the best for little Carter and remember Samantha and Lucas fondly. Tonight my babies get extra hugs.

Pump, pump… pump it up

I’m just going to make a quick update from the trenches. It’s my third week back to work and it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. When I had Scarlett, I was more than ready to go back to work. In fact, it was then that I decided that a stay-at-home mom was not in my nature. When I was younger, it’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. (That was also when I wanted six children!!) It took me a while to realize that I probably wanted to go back to work so badly because I didn’t have a good experience. I had a moderate case of post-partum depression that was expounded by a negative nursing experience and being home bound.

This maternity leave couldn’t have been more different. I had baby blues, not post-partum depression. I got out of house quite a bit thanks to the unseasonably nice weather. I have a very supportive network of friends that made sure that I didn’t fall into any slump of any kind. It was a little harder this time to accept that my two months of leave were over.

That being said, I wasn’t sad. Sullivan was going to best place possible next to being at home – his grandma’s. I returned to work knowing that I could call at any time and Sullivan would have his every whim catered to!

Already, I’ve fed Sullivan more breast milk than Scarlett ever got, and not just because he eats three times as much! I’ve last about three times longer than I did the first time around. Pumping at work is definitely easier than pumping at home. I’ve got a schedule that I can stick to and no interruptions from kids, babies, chores, etc. Despite the consistency of schedule, my supply is slowly decreasing. I’m only able to pump enough for Sully to have one full bottle a day. I expected the decrease since I didn’t have a large supply with Scarlett either, but I’m definitely trying to keep it up by pumping often and drinking tons of water. I don’t think I want to go the Fenugreek route because I’d have to take 12 pills or more a day. I think I’ll just pump as long as I have something to give and not feel bad about it. I’m actually pretty proud of myself.

Two months in

After reading Ben's guest post, I really feel like I should count my blessings. I am blessed to have had Scarlett, after a very long fertile dry spell. I'm blessed to have 6 long years with her being the focus of my life. I'm blessed to have gotten pregnant again, following another fertility lapse. I'm blessed to have known my condition ahead of time so that I didn't have to go through labor with a breech baby who was stuck under my ribs. I'm lucky to have given birth to a very healthy baby boy, in spite of a tough C-Section. Lastly, I'm blessed to have so much support. Ben has been an amazing support to me and a fabulous dad and my friends and family have been great. I love my life!